Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Bad To Worse

Shortly after my previous post, my husband and I started our annual December staycation. This year, we'd carved out 19 days for ourselves, and we were very much looking forward to long days of relaxing and spending time together.

Best laid plans.

From the very start of our staycation, things starting going wrong. I won't go into detail, but suffice it to say that these bumps in our road were large, and painful, and some of them are still not resolved. We faced them as a team, my husband and I, as we always do. We were determined to ride out the turbulence.

And then, on January 1st, my father suddenly died.

He was alive and then he wasn't and though his death was quick, and unexpected, by the look of his room, it probably wasn't an easy transition for him. Stroke, most likely. He'd spoken to the nurse a few minutes before. Then someone went to check on him to bring him to lunch. He'd sent them away before they could come into his room, saying he was getting dressed and that he'd be right there. When he didn't show up, an aide was sent to check on him and found him dead.

I'd spoken to him the day before. He'd called to wish me a happy new year, and to tell me that his chair was broken, and asked if could I get him a new one. We chatted a few more minutes, and then hung up. And that was it, he was gone.

As many of you know, my relationship with my father was a difficult one. Still, I grieve.

I'm dealing with it the best way I know how: I'm taking to the studio and painting.

(8"x10" panel, Encaustic paint and alcohol-based inks)


(Watercolor paper mounted on18"x24" cradled panel, encaustic paint, oil paint, alcohol-based inks)

Despite the cheery colors on both these panels, they accurately reflect my state of mind, with dark, bruised colors peeking out from underneath. 

Until next time, create like today could be your last. 

9 comments:

Roberta said...

I am so sorry Judi. Certainly a very painful time for you. My thoughts are with you.....

Sharon Gross said...

I'm sorry for your loss and the pain you are faced with at the moment. My father resides in an Assisted Living Facility. Reading your post, really left an impression on me, as if it was my father. I felt your emptiness, as if it were mine.

As you mourn the loss of your father, I wish you peace.
Sharon

Robbie said...

Regardless of your relationship, it's still hard losing your father. My thoughts are with you.

QuiltSwissy said...

I am sorry for your trials and the loss of your father, I too, had a difficult relationship with my father. His passing was difficult, one the less.

I am not sure even if I can say you will ever find forgiveness. But you can find peace in yourself.

Let it begin with your art.

My sympathies. glen in Louisiana

Doodles said...

Judi,
So sorry for the loss of your father. Whether a prolonged illness or a strained relationship it is always painful the loss of family. Sounds like your holiday was filled with trials rather than the joys of the season. Be grateful you did have the time blocked out to be together and that you have someone so good to walk through these trying times with. You will get through this too. With love and with painting.
Debbie

Shoshi said...

Oh Judi... I am so sorry to hear about the death of your father. I know things have not been easy for you for some years, and how much your art has given you release and relief, but nothing changes the fact that he was your Dad and your grief is real and has to be got through. Fortunately my relationship with my father was always good and his transition a year ago, although physically difficult for him, and with his dementia too, was not so bad and we had the support and ability to spend those last hours together, holding his hand. This was a great privilege, and helped my grieving no end. We are currently going through major problems with my 93-yr-old Mum who is very difficult and won't be helped... Lots of medical problems and we are trying to set up care packages etc. Being chronically ill and disabled myself, my hubby is carrying the can and things are difficult for us both - he is wonderful and I don't know what we'd do without him!

I am glad you have got your hubby to support you through this. I am sorry you had such a difficult time over Christmas. I hope and pray that the coming year will be easier for you both and that it will be a time of new beginnings and a fresh start.

Your art work is so beautiful - I can see the anguish coming through - there is a tension about the pieces, but also at the same time, tremendous peace! What a wonderful outlet art is.

You are in my thoughts and prayers at this difficult time.
Shoshi

Deborah C. Stearns said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you are able to use artwork to work through your feelings, at least to some extent. My thoughts are with you.

Julie Brayford said...

So sorry for your loss Judi, you are in my thoughts.

Özge B. said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope the year will brighten up as it unfolds. Love and peace...